Your kids are individuals. Comparing them with others—whether it is their sibling or a peer—will send them the message that they’re not good enough and need to try to live up to your standards. In the case of siblings, when parents use one kid as an example to belittle the other, it forms an unhealthy pattern; leads to a stressed and tense relationship between them; impacts their self-esteem, makes them question their self-worth, and sometimes leads to feelings of aggression and depression. The objective, as parents and mentors, should be to make each child feel unique and make them believe that their uniqueness is their strength. Parents should understand that each child is unique and requires individual attention. The child needs to know and believe in their and their sibling’s strengths and understand how they are different from each other. Parents should be careful to not use their weaknesses to compare or put the child down as the foundation of their beliefs is laid early on. To raise self-assured and confident kids, make them see their strengths and help them deal with and work on their weaknesses.
What is a Glass Child?
“Glass child” is not a medical condition or mental health diagnosis, but a colloquial term used to describe certain challenges and strengths experienced by a child who grew up with a high-needs sibling. The term “glass child” refers to a child whose emotional or relational needs become invisible when other children in the home have complex or intensive needs. Glass children learn early on in their lives to meet their own needs and express very little, they come across as highly mature and even-tempered. This can be a strength as grown-ups in their life tend to feel positive about their presentation. Unfortunately, this strength is also a vulnerability to the child as it makes it hard for them to reach out when they do need support.
Impact on Mental Health
Adults who grew up as glass children may have perfectionist tendencies. Perfectionism is associated with anxiety disorders, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and eating disorders. Glass children may also struggle with setting boundaries, which can negatively impact relationships and increase their stress levels.
The Role of Culture
Culture also plays a key component in family relationships. For instance, in Asian cultures, sibling gender and order informs their family roles. First-born sons and daughters may feel the additional burdens of taking care of their families. Traditional gender roles may cause eldest son/daughters to be their family’s caretakers. As [intensive] needs is a taboo topic in Asian culture, families may feel the need to “save face” or hide the [complex] needs of the child due to shame. This causes families to be less likely to ask for support, putting an additional burden on the family system.
Eldest Son/daughter Syndrome-Managing expectations & Finding Balance
Both traditional gender roles and birth-order effects influence the pressures felt by eldest son/daughters. Gender stereotypes suggest that women should be nurturing, natural caregivers, making the eldest son/daughter one of the default caregivers in the family. Among siblings, eldest siblings tend to face higher expectations when it comes to achievements, behaviours and responsibilities placed by parents. The eldest daughter or eldest siblings, in general, are kind of like the ‘test’ siblings because they are the first child. The next child is compelled to mirror the qualities and traits of the elder one by the parents. On other Hand, the Glass child is not given prior importance or devoid of existence and always seen in struggle to meet the parent’s expectations.
Coping Strategies for Glass Children
There are several ways to cope as a glass child. When a child has buried their needs on behalf of the family, it’s important they learn how to openly express themselves. This can be a challenge for a glass child who has coped primarily by not expressing and limiting their feelings and needs.
Identify & recognise unhealthy Patterns of Glass child
For those who grew up as glass children, it’s crucial to recognise unhealthy behaviours such as perfectionism and people-pleasing. Some patterns include:
- Feeling the need to put themselves last.
- Feeling responsible for things out of their control.
- Having poor boundaries.
- Overworking.
- Being overly critical of themselves.
It’s important to recognise the needs and emotions of glass children and create a supportive and inclusive environment that provides attention, care, and resources for each child.
Pay Attention to subtle cues
It’s germane to emphasise the need for parents to pay attention to the subtle emotional cues of their glass child. Glass children may not express needs in overt ways, but there are small signs that indicate emotional distress. For example, notice when they quietly leave a room or turn their faces away or down during a tense moment. The more we attune to understand a glass child’s emotional state, the more likely we start to understand what they need,”
3 A’s of Parenting for Glass child
Acceptance, Acknowledgement and Appreciation are the vital components of parenting specifically towards the Glass child. Parenting is nothing but unlearning many patterns which have been followed under many reasons and accepting that all kids are not going to be exactly the same, every child exists with their own uniqueness which needs to nurture as per their needs and feelings. By not putting your child in the closed proximity instead giving them space to grow without burdens of your own expectations of being parents make them feel secure and respected. Remember a gaze of embracing abilities through their eyes makes your parenting more evolved.
(The writer is an Obstetrics & Gynaecologist Surgeon, Tribal Reformist, Adolescent’s Sexual & Reproductive Health Counsellor, expert Yoga Trainer & Senior Counsellor of Army Wives Welfare Association)
