“A lot of parents will do anything for their kids, except let them be themselves” ? Bansky
Many parents want to help their children be at their best in whatever they do. However, some, parents put their children under too much pressure to perform. Being under intense pressure can have serious consequences for kids. A survey conducted by the Pew Research Center (2013) found that children are more likely to perform better if there is lesser pressure. Sadly, some kids are not kids anymore. They are pressured and expected to constantly perform well—such as getting into the most prestigious schools or getting the best grades etc (Morin, 2020).
Types of pressure:
Parental stress tends to spill over into child-rearing. For … if you hover over your child’s daily activities—like homework, chores, and play, to make sure that s/he is doing everything right, you are likely putting too much pressure on them. Parents who cannot distinguish between healthy encouragement and unhealthy criticism can unknowingly inflict a lifetime of self-worth problems on their children. High parental standards and criticism, causes children to experience feelings of pressure. The child feels a sense of shame from being criticized, demeaned or ridiculed. A child can adopt a new dress code and lingo to fit in with friends and still remain keenly aware of your thoughts and opinions about him/her.
On the other hand, feeling pressure to be a perfect mother or father has in most cases, positively resulted in parental burnout, and this relation was mediated by parental stress. The concept of parental involvement requires social and cultural capital to comply with educators’ vision of the ideal parent role. The main reasons behind peer pressure are the rising communication gap between parents and children, intense desire to be an acceptable member of a group and a highly impressionable mind that fails to distinguish between what is right and what is wrong. Parental stress impacts both individuals and family relationships. This decline in the quality of parenting may lead to a variety of negative children’s outcomes.
These types of conflict often occur because parents have unresolved issues from their own backgrounds. There seems to be a trend toward a new type of childrearing in which parents push their children to achieve. Even when parents have good intentions, the pressure they put on their children to constantly perform well in every aspect of their life can be damaging. It may be reminded that the intensity of peer pressure generally varies with age and maturity.
Positive peer pressure:
While we may be wondering how can peer pressure be positive? Well, peer pressure isn’t just about teenagers encouraging each other to take risks or engage in unhealthy behaviour. There are also many positive things about peer pressure; it can really be a good force in the life of teenagers and their friends. Positive peer pressure is when someone’s peers influence them to do something positive or growth building. For example, peers who are committed to doing well in school or at sport can influence others to be more goal-oriented. Similarly, peers who are kind, loyal or supportive influence others to be the same.
It is normal for young people to worry about fitting in. Peer groups play an important role in young people’s lives, particularly during adolescence. It refers to the influence that these groups can have on how an individual thinks and acts. You can often find out who your child’s peers are by paying attention to who they socialise with and speak about. Supporting your child to recognise teen peer pressure, when it helps and hinders them, and how they can develop their own individuality, is an important role for parents.
You may associate peer pressure with negative outcomes such as your child trying alcohol, smoking or drugs. However, peer pressure can also allow certain groups to have positive influences on your child. There’s no way of knowing exactly how your child will be affected. It can influence any area of your child’s life, from their taste in music to their choice of school subjects. Positive effects of peer pressure include a sense of belonging and support, increased self-confidence, introduction to positive hobbies and interests and reinforcement of positive habits and attitudes.
Competitive parents:
Competitive parenting may be loosely described as a behavioural aspect of parenting that focuses on competing with parents of other children similar in age to one’s own children. Competitive parenting behaviour is manifested in the form of comparisons – comparing children’s behaviour and or abilities, comparing children’s belongings provided by the parents, comparing parenting styles, secondly, narratives that aim to prove one’s success as a parent based on their children’s achievements as a consequence of their parenting, and thirdly, narratives that aim to belittle the efforts and choices made by other parents based on their children’s failures as a consequence of their parenting.
As consumerism rises, so does the pressure on parents to provide for material possessions beyond the necessities. Every parent would want to provide ‘the best’ for their children. The increasing variety of choices available, coupled with an information overload brought on by the Internet, forces parents to consider that whatever they buy for their children must be ‘the best’, ‘the safest’, or ‘the most effective’.
There are now ‘early education’ schools and organizations that offer to start educating your child from as early on as six months. The physical and/or cognitive growth achieved by infants and toddlers in such programs over others of their age is highly questionable. “How much did she (the child) score in this or that subject?” becomes a common question we all hear, answer and even ask throughout the school. In India, the subjects chosen to be studied, the grades obtained in them, the extra coaching and tuition classes enrolled in, the entrance exams taken, the colleges applied to, all become matter of comparison, discussion, pride, and social status for the parents.
Constantly trying to prove one’s parenting style as better, reprimanding other parents for their parenting decisions in the guise of advice or suggestions, and talking about how other parents are not ‘doing the right thing’ by commenting on a child’s behaviour and abilities are all forms of competitive parenting. Parents who typically engage in such behaviour seek to improve their self-esteem and social status by proving that they are better caregivers because they have better knowledge of parenting or of child development.
Acceptance:
Start by accepting yourself, not liking yourself leads to the projection of those beliefs. Respecting and accepting yourself teaches others how to treat you. Parenting these days seems to be focused a lot on control instead of connection. Instead of working on nourishing the relationships with their children, people are focused more on strategies and tips that will help them get their child to act how they want. Parents aim to shape their children into ‘good’ human beings.
But, what if we looked at things from our children’s point of view? How would it feel to be in a relationship with someone who was always trying to change you? What if we just accepted our children for who they are? Children are all unique and brilliant in their own ways. Let’s stop trying to make them all the same. Some are loud and full of energy; let’s celebrate that instead of trying to dampen their spirits. Some are quiet and reserved, let’s respect that and allow them the time and space they need.
Let’s reassess how we view our children. Instead of seeing certain traits as negative, let us embrace them as strengths! Your child isn’t ‘bossy’, s/he is a confident leader. Your child isn’t loud, s/he is passionate. Your child isn’t shy, s/he is thoughtful. Your child isn’t too sensitive, s/he is empathetic and nurturing. What a gift for a child to feel like they are perfect as they are. To feel that they don’t need to ‘perform’ or be constantly trying to do better. How empowering not to be boxed in by labels, be compared to others, or have to live up to someone else’s standards. In Bill Ayers’s words – “Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them”. (The writer can be reached at maxwell.lyngdoh@gmail.com)
